肯肯懷也斯

雪泥鴻爪

雪落，三四吋。後園白茫茫一片好乾淨，只有黑鳥灰鴿知更偶然的爪印，交錯地輕輕畫符。樹頂也蓋帽，像極聖誕咭上的風景硬照，可以站立窗前呆望，什麼也不想。

前院是另一景況。有小心翼翼戰戰兢兢的鞋印；有本來四十五分鐘車程、卻在冰封路上被交通延誤至三小時的擔掛重重的泥濘車輪痕跡。鄰家的貓閒閒地走過，這趟，我看得見來回的途徑。現實的距離。

現實裏，女兒有懸念，關切地問，沈重心情好過來，沒有。

與重重的記憶可以對話嗎？

因為懷人，大家都翻出記憶來，即使太沈重，我們沒有選擇遺忘。即使歲月廝磨，我們翻出青蔥歲月，緬懷歡樂時光。乘便呼朋喚友，聚舊。人生，苦短。

這裏的悼念女兒不諳識，我在英文網誌再寫，讓她看得懂。她正在新的前路畧徬徨，我唯有抄咭片上、還有柯德莉夏萍的短句，給予鼓勵、打氣。她看得懂。傳來訊息，寫得好。

我得我父的木訥，她有我的。電話Skype不多話，我們切切傳訊。等了這些年，等到她終於長大了，有時候給我扶持。

我偶然猶豫，遲疑，也斯曾勸我：「走遠一點，在知識的路上，走遠一點」，我懶惰，沒有聽他的。我憑什麼仍然在這角落裏呢喃等迴響？誰聽得見誰要知道呢？那些時候，女兒的婉勸就來了，寫，不是為自己寫的麼？留下印記。那真是，沒有論據的矛盾。我依舊喪氣慨歎沒用功。

「我的文字能走多遠呢？能走到我要去的地方嗎？結果會走到哪裏去呢？」親愛的朋友，你可以安息了，畢生致力，尋根，開拓新世界，已有可循的路徑，讓大家走下去。

雪落，天冷，你仍記得一起唸「溫暖外的風塵」嗎？一路好走。

（歲月期期艾艾二Ｏ一三年一月二十日）

Hello goodbye

I have been looking for you. On YouTube. You were reading one of your poems. It was the younger you. Just as I remember the way you were. Serious. Sincere. Then you broke into a smile when you finished. I could almost hear the familiar laughter. The next clip was more recent, you addressing a seminar, wearing your beret. The topic was important, having made your point you looked tired.

I never went to any of your readings. But I was there at your Thesis Defence, 1984, San Diego. We were listening in at the back of the huge hall where you faced your examiners, more nervous than you were. One of us handed you a bouquet afterwards. Did N drive us all the way to LA Olympics Arts Festival the next day? It was a packed house with le Theatre du Soleil performing Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, in French. You came prepared. You had a Chinese copy, someone else had an English version. We were mesmerized. It was the longest standing ovation we experienced. Happy days.

Further down memory lane I come looking for you. We went to the movies, the three of us. Ozu’s Tokyo story; Kurosawa’s Dodes’ ka-den; Herzog’s The enigma of Kaspar Hauser; Wenders’ Paris, Texas. Slowly but surely, you opened up my horizons, sharing with me your enthusiasm for the wonderful world of international cinemas. Often at the movie there were others who would join us afterwards, for lunch or dinner. That gathering called for a long table, and different opinions on the film we had just watched. Voices were loud and carefree, and being listened to.

People were talking when I come looking for you in the papers. Everyone has something to say about you. How you have touched our lives, changed the literary scene. I guess we all have the same idea. We, who somehow have lost touch over the years, are remembering the good times. We are trying to get hold of you, hold onto you. Not wanting to let you go. We feel it’s too soon.

I don’t know why you say goodbye and I say hello. Au revoir is goodbye for the moment, until seeing again. 再見就是祝福的意思.

（hum hum haw haw away 16/01/2013）

記住也斯的笑臉

有回，有小朋友問也斯筆名由來，西西在旁笑住搶答：YES! 也斯亦笑呵呵，Yes, Yes。日後再有人問，他佯作無奈，大家笑作一團。

我認識也斯，在七十年代，大拇指初期。他喜歡熱鬧，上電影院咖啡室行山露營，固然是一大棚人，研習班讀書會，也是。不時邀我參加讀書會，我總是支吾以對，皆因我好讀書不求甚解，怕尷尬出錯；但其實是三個人在一起已不聞我發聲。也斯答應讓我靜坐旁聽，我去了，談新詩，有矛頭向我，他守信一而再的接擋，噓，嚇得我。

編輯大拇指大家低頭默默地苦幹，把握一個理想，堅持一個方向。當年報紙是先植字，才柯式印刷，校對改錯要用鎅刀，割走錯字，換上對的。這裡牽涉辨別是非對錯，十分嚴肅。但抬起頭來還是可以開玩笑。那些日子我們正讀鄭愁予瘂弦，也斯常追着小雲起哄：「今天的雲抄襲昨天的雲」。編寫第十版談火星報導諾貝爾獎的小雲一點也不介意，一起背誦深淵。

大拇指編輯部在梁府大廳，也斯的兒子無端多了許多姨姨叔叔做伴。有趟纏着爸爸有索求，爸爸要兒子找肯肯姨姨，一臉狐疑要解釋，那個父親已笑不攏咀，一直推兒子到我身畔，要他問我名字，我據實答，肯、肯。中計了。

有假日從山頂漫步下山，故意繞路，細細打量那些獨立洋房，不知是誰提議，現世那麼多名家大家，不若我們來當樓評家，也斯西西與吳，果然煞有介事，有彈有讚。大家嘻哈跌蕩。

大拇指，視也斯亦師亦友，我們記住，許多歡樂時光。

梁教授嚴謹治學，桃李滿門，他的遺志，推動香港文學，一定有年輕的你去繼承。
今天我記住也斯朗朗的笑聲，和他的笑臉。希望，你也可以。

（歲月期期艾艾二Ｏ一三年一月七日）